To run or not to run...

Races, that is.

After my little bout two weeks ago, and the 2-week hiatus I've taken from running since then, I'm finding it extremely hard to get back into the swing of things given the humidity and/or rain and just some overall fear/worry (even though I was cleared by all of the doctors). After going mountain biking yesterday and feeling winded trying to go hard up a long incline, I began to question if the marathon distance is a good idea. I just felt that, if I'm going to run 26.2 miles, I should be able to make it up at that hill without getting so winded, even if it's on a bike in the woods rather than on my feet. I'm having thoughts about switching to the half-marathon distance for the Baystate race in October and just focusing on speed for now. Drop back to shorter distances and work on hills and speed work to really improve my overall pace and cardiovascular fitness more than my steady runs have been doing. Then, maybe the marathon next year once I've gotten a 1:30-2:00 half-marathon under my belt. At least with the half distance, I know I can do it and have done it multiple times without having any health issues...

The other issue right now is time. Between studying for the MA state teacher license subject test, being in grad school, and working full time, I feel like I'm starting to burn the candle at both ends, and maybe even a bit in the middle. I love my morning runs, but I can fully admit that I was starting to get burnt out waking up at 5:30 to run before work and then doing homework until midnight after a full day of work. And that didn't even include studying for the teacher test. Maybe this year just isn't the best timing to devote the time and effort I need to fully, properly training for the big 26.2. I just don't know.

I feel like a quitter if I don't. At the same time, I still want to be able to do it, but I want to be able to enjoy it and do it well (not like I'm expecting any super times, but finishing comfortably and enjoying the moment, rather than struggling and stumbling and wishing I had never attempted it).

I don't know at what point running became more about races than just running for the sheer pleasure of it. In college and even for several years thereafter, running a few miles a day was just something I did for enjoyment, to lose a few pounds, to stay active. If I felt really good, occasionally I would throw in a couple of extra miles and feel pretty proud. But my distances never exceeded 5 or 6 miles. I also played tennis, hiked, and mountain biked. It was never just about running. After graduating, I had fleeting thoughts of someday wanting to run the Boston Marathon, but I'd still never run any race, even a 5K. My first race, the enjoyable Moose on the Loose 10-mile trail run in NH, was something I was very excited for, not because it would be my first time at that mileage; my motivation in registering was that I wanted a T-shirt that said "Moose on the Loose" because I thought it was hilarious. After that race, even though I wasn't "racing" at my slow pace, I had the bug. I loved the adrenaline, the feeling of actually being back in some sort of competitive environment, the sense of accomplishment after I finished what was, at that time, my longest mileage (finished and felt GOOD - good enough for a couple miles of hiking afterwards). That day when I got home, I registered for a half-marathon, which I ran two months later. Having been sidelined with a nasty sinus infection for several weeks a month before the race, I knew I had not trained enough. I finished, but painfully. At the finish line, I muttered something about never being able to do a marathon. Still, I was proud that I had been able to finish, even if I had been practically shuffling at the end. Winter, I was relatively stagnant, but I began bundling up in February and heading out for runs when the roads weren't too icy, just little 2.5-mile jaunts with the pup. May was another half-marathon, and while I only finished 8 minutes faster than my first half, I felt good afterwards and very proud. For the first time, I believed that perhaps I could run the marathon. Hence, the registration for Baystate in October.

Now, I just don't know. I love the race environment, but I've somehow lost a lot of that enjoyment that used to come with heading out for my runs just for the sake of running and either being alone with my thoughts or quieting them. I worry about times, splits, increasing mileage, proper form. If I miss a run, I feel guilty and beat myself up about it for the rest of the week because I've fallen off schedule. Now being two weeks off schedule, you can see where this would be a problem.

I want that feeling back, but I know it's not possible if I continue training right now for October. With my schedule as tight as it is, my running has to be just that - training. I will have to push hard and stick with it and do more than I've been doing (especially hills and speedwork and core strengthening). I just don't know. I keep looking in the mirror and thinking, you do not look like someone who is ready to run a marathon. Not yet, at least.

Week -12, Days 2-7 (and Week -11, sadly)

Ohhh, fallen behind again. And the update isn't that great. I'll admit that in advance...

Scheduled for Week -12, Tuesday: 4 miles
Scheduled for Week -12, Wednesday: 5 miles fartlek
Scheduled for Week -12, Thursday: 5 miles
Scheduled for Week -12, Friday: OFF
Scheduled for Week -12, Saturday: 15 miles
Scheduled for Week -12, Sunday: 3 miles

Actual for Week -12, Tuesday: 4.2 miles in 38:56
Actual for Week -12, Wednesday: 4.2 miles in 37:38
Actual for Week -12, Thursday: OFF
Actual for Week -12, Friday: OFF
Actual for Week -12, Saturday: 16 miles in 2:43
Actual for Week -12, Sunday: OFF (and downhill from there...)
Actual for Week -11, Days 1-7: NONE...

So yeah, the week started out well enough. I had snuck in a Monday run, ahead of scheduled, did okay Tuesday and Wednesday with some slacking on Thursday. It's okay. Then came the Saturday long run. I had Friday off from work, and I just didn't hydrate or eat the way I would've before a race. Shame on me. I paid for it on Saturday. I woke up early on Saturday to squeeze in my run before a drive to CT, and I made two water breaks (3.5 miles and 10 miles, both with GU). Not enough. It was less humid at 6:30 AM, but still a bit muggy. I felt fine during the run, a bit woozy after for being out that long, but I felt good and proud. Not so after rushing around to shower, pack, and hop in the car. By the time we were stuck in dead traffic on the Mass Pike, I was having trouble breathing and had the shakes. So, all in all, a trip to the ER for dehydration and to be berated by a not-so-nice doctor who kept comparing Gu to Red Bull. Um, no. But I digress. I had trouble for the rest of the weekend, including some further difficulty breathing during the week that followed (just an overall pressure and inability to get a deep breath). I took the week off from running and instead went for bloodwork, an asthma test, and a stress test (oh yeah...), complete with a few days off from work to just sleep.

Bottom line? Cleared and healthy. Dehydration induced a bout of exercise-induced asthma and panic set in once I didn't feel well and was trapped on the highway. The lesson? I'm wearing that hydration belt and drinking every mile from now on. And I will allow myself proper time to cool down, especially after long runs - no more hopping in the car and running around like a crazy woman. Sigh.

So yeah, no runs last week, at all. This week hasn't been good so far either, but I'm hoping to try my first wee run today after work (just 3 miles). We shall see. :) I'm scared. Not of the short runs, but of another 16-mile run. It was a terrifying feeling, although I am a bit relieved having been cleared by multiple doctors (including the cardiologist). My plan (even though I'm now off schedule) is to focus on some shorter runs with hills and speedwork to better condition my heart, and to hydrate ALOT during those long runs. I'll try a 10-miler this weekend, something I know I can handle. If that goes well, I'll try the 16-miler again next weekend. If that produces problems again, I know I'll have to stick to half-marathon distance. But until then, I'm not giving up. I just am in serious need of motivation. And pep talks. Lots.